So therapy or counselling however you want to go about it was on today and it was a huge and terrifying step for me to take. Admitting I have problems was the first but actually making the leap into something that might help which isn’t medication is a tough pill to swallow (pun not intended but works right?). As an IBS sufferer/warrior, taking tablets can be our worst nightmare as our stomachs and bowels cannot handle the strange and nasty stuff filling and coating these pills which are supposed to help other factors in this illness.
My counsellor seemed to take an empathetic and knowledgeable understanding a few of my experiences and link them in ways I had never thought to do so. While I had a vague idea of the childhood trauma having caused trust issues and withdrawal from social situations to the point of no return, I was not clued into how much this has caused major shifts to my entire self-worth and as a person as a whole. This has been a very positive experience and I am looking forward to continuing the journey to getting my identity figured out again.
Having been through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy before this was a welcome change to what was a pretty bad experience for me. Now, I will always say give it a try it could work for you however as a parent be sure to check the age and experience level of the person you see because there is many young people in that side of the profession as they start in that therapy and learn new approaches through their lives leaving many struggling to find the understanding they need (fact from my counsellor herself as she has found many people have come to her following this).
My CBT experience was with a person around my age who hadn’t had children had no understanding of other traumas and medical issues surrounding motherhood and so we didn’t connect in the way that would have allowed this to benefit me in any way. I found I went to the sessions with a sense of dread and left feeling let down and misunderstood as she followed a set guideline with no flexibility or understanding on how being a mother actually worked. Including setting long daily homework tasks which do not fit into a family home environment. Like I said before don’t take my experience as law, I would hope there is some wonderful professionals out there who help so many people.
However the impression was basically, you know before being a mum you throw comments around like “I wont allow my child to behave like that”, or “I don’t think technology is a way to get through the day they need attention and I will constantly do fun activities with them”. Haha, absolute joke right! The thought was that I should’ve detached myself from my child sent her with separation anxiety to a childminders for me to fix myself, now I know if I could just dump my child with someone while she is crying her eyes out it would affect me greatly and I would be a bad mum. Especially when I was in the long process of getting her used to our neighbour who is a childminder so I could eventually send her there for a couple of hours to give me some time for myself. (side note this process took months and her hitting her second birthday before she trusted her enough to even be held by her). She would struggle me leaving her to go to the therapy, I was told I could take her whether this would have helped the process I will never know but I am doubtful.
Anyway, back to my session today, she has helped me focus on how some events are linked and put so many things in a new light for me. Next session is a very scary one, she wants me to talk about my past traumas and experiences which have stuck with me throughout my life and discuss my feelings and outcomes of each event. This will bring forth everything I have shoved so far back that its going to take time to open up the box and allow these memories to resurface and bring all the pain, fear, self-doubt, worthlessness, helplessness and regret to be felt all over again.
Flare Up picture with a strong filter
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